Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
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ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Ha.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?