BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
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Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Saturday
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.