Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
PARKOUR
Brb my Sims are getting married
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Netflix and awkward silence?
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*