*loses you in a crowd*
finally
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.