*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
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[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
never ask a starfish for directions
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes