ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
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Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.