My new favorite headline
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Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?