When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Well, this explains it:
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”