Smooooooth
You Might Also Like
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Beware…..
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this