Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
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Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee