Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
at ease…shoulder.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.