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Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Wait a minute
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend