i think both sides are to blame here
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
The Sun
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
stop
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.