ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
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Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Its a hippotatomus
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that