*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
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“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I want what they have
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table