My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’