What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
You Might Also Like
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Imagine having a party on purpose.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore