[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
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My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’