my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
inventing words: clothing
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.