Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
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A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Gemma Correll
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.