Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
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It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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Me: Same
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school