I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
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Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I want this so bad
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!