How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”