Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
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“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I laughed at this way too hard.