I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.