Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
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ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.