Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.