I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
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Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.