My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
wut hotdog?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.