dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
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“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I am yelling
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.