Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
shit just got real
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.