HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
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I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.