Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
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[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*