Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
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4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
? 💀
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“What?”
– Jude
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.