“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.