I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
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My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”