I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
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If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
👾👾👾
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?