I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.