[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
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Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat