Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
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Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.