I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.