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My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Covid like
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime