I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Auto correct is my worst enema.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am