Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Ah..makes sense now
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.