*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon