Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like