#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Pretty much! 😂👀
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
This is hilarious….
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer