Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
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Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.