I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
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“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Nice try, NASA
I hope it’s French Onion!
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I have many caverns
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.