[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
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Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
the rocks need my help
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.